The Final
by NariNari
Summary: A song that's not even seeking the proof of living. Shuichi POV.


**A/N:** I don't own Gravitation. The Final belongs to Dir En Grey.

**MATA!!!:** I think we all know that I like to do angsty song fics (Points to Speed Master/ Lust For Blood etc.) So uh...Here's another one! I only do angsty song fics because I feel that I rely too much on dialog in my normal fics so this kind of helps me to say things without much conversation.

_Italics-_ Translated lyrics.

I think I'm a masochist. Yuki says so, he says I like to be in pain. 'Why is that?', he questioned me. I told him I didn't know. Of course I know I wouldn't do this if I wasn't sure! But how could I tell him, that it just all may be his fault?

_The intention is clear, I stare… with this left hand, unable to be worded_

I don't think he suspects anything, Yuki I mean. He just goes on about his gloomy way only paying me mind when he needs something, like sex or a cup of coffee. It was an accident really, the first time. Yuki had been yelling at me for burning dinner, again, and when I went to do the dishes something hit my wrist in the water, when I pulled my hand out it was covered in blood. (1) I remember how good I felt watching it flow, and then it became a habit.

_Every time I bleed, there lies the reason to live…_

It's like heaven, did you know? I feel like a weights been lifted off my chest, and now it's just clear. I see things so much differently, I can understand Yuki better, why he says the things he does. I love the sound of slicing flesh now, it sweeter than any music.

_And I discover words being so vivid and bright_

Yet even in my little personal epiphany I can see Yuki drifting away, I love him I do, I just...It's not that same anymore! I don't know what's going on! Yesterday I told Hiro that I'm thinking of quitting the band. He freaked out on me and I changed me mind, I don't really want to quit! It's like nothings important anymore...

_Even loved ones scatter like petals from flowers in my hand_

I've been trying to change the tune of the band a bit more. I'm sick of sappy love songs and happy techno beats. I have changed. I want something that will strike people with hope or sadness, I want to change their thinking a little bit. I want to change Yuki's thinking a little bit, show him I'm not just some happy go lucky brat. K said the song I wrote was technically good, but it wasn't our style and our fans wouldn't connect with it. I kept the song in my night stand.

_So even if I engraved the meaning that I lived in my hand, it will only be known as flowers of vanity_

It seems since the initial idea to change our look was rejected I've written more and more of those types of songs, just for fun. I still continue to relieve myself from my pain with a knife, I looked it up online, there are support groups for it, but how would I Shindo Shuichi look in a cutters support group? I can't do that, it's bad press, the band will suffer...Not that they really want me there anymore anyway...

_The final_

Yuki's been looking at me funny lately, I don't know why. He keeps asking me if I'm okay, I tell him I'm fine. Why are you acting like this Yuki? Why do you care all of a sudden? Did I say something wrong? Do I look pale to you? You know Yuki, I'm not okay and I think I need to deal with that.

_One by one it multiplies… why be a sad bait?_

Sometimes, when I lay in bed at night, I think about death. I think about what happens to your body after you die, Yuki says if it's not cremated then it'll just rot in the casket, I don't like that idea very much. Who would want to be left rot under ground with a bunch of bugs? Gross. But then I start thinking about Heaven and Hell. I think I'd go to Hell, not that it really matters to me, the Devil may await me, but I've already found him.

_Deep within the hell of my heart..._

I left Yuki's three days ago, I haven't spoken to anyone since. I've been lying here staring at the fan, slowly spinning. I told Yuki I was going out for a walk, before I knew it I was checking into this motel, I knew what I wanted to do.

_I can't go back a self-tortured loser, not being able to see tomorrow_

Yuki, Yuki, Yuki! I'm scared, it hurts now, my eyes feel so heavy! What's going on Yuki? Is this what death is supposed to feel like? It wasn't supposed to be this way! I'm so sorry Yuki! I didn't mean to do this! I just wanted...I wanted you to be happy...I wanted me to be...Yuki...I love you...

_Suicide is the proof of life_

Why is everything so bright? Is this Heaven? Am I being taken to see God? Wait, that's Yuki's voice, he's talking to someone. Is Yuki dead, too? God, I don't want Yuki dead! You have to send him back! I struggle against myself, and I feel someone at my side. "Shuichi..." It's Yuki! I open my eyes, I'm not dead! Wait why am I not dead?

_Even loved ones scatter like petals from flowers in my hand_

I've been kicked out of the band. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care, I don't care, I don't care, I don'tcareIdon'tcareIdon'tcare. I DON'T CARE!!! And what for? I'm too unstable. Hiro, told me himself, acted like he was glad of it. I think he is. That's okay, Hiro, I'll go solo, yea that's it solo.

_So even if I engraved the meaning that I lived in my hand, it will only be known as flowers of vanity_

I've signed back on with N.G. Seguchi said he thinks that if I were to change my appearance a bit then my new out look on life may work. If not, then I'm gone. So, I did, I look like some kind of Emo sex God. Hiro hasn't spoken to me in weeks, neither has Fujisaki for that matter. I don't think anyone likes me anymore, why not? Yuki doesn't speak to me that much either, he'll stare at me a lot. And sometimes I wake up to find him crying. I just go back to sleep.

_So I can't live_

Hiro came to see me today, I was taking a break from recording and he came in. He asked me to come back to the band, that they'd forget about all this suicide mess. I told him no, this is who I am right now, and I'm not ever going to be the same.

_What's lost can't be born again_

I wander a lot now, I'm followed by K though. He left Bad Luck to be my manager. I don't mind. Sometimes I go back to the park where I met Yuki, and I write songs. After all if it wasn't for Yuki I wouldn't be like this, he knows that now, I didn't have to tell him. The songs always sound so hollow and empty to me, just like me.

_A song that's not even seeking the proof of living_

Yuki's speaking more to me, I don't know what to say to him. I love him, I do. But, I can't forget what he's done to me. I know that there are people out there just like me, and they need me now. So let's sing our pain away.

_Let's put an end...The final_

It's my first concert with Bad Luck today. I found some guys to star a new band with, we're called 'Banana Fish', It's the fish of death. It's said when you met the Banana Fish you want to die. We are going to give them the strength to keep living. We're on now, the crowd is going wild. They love it! Yuki...Yuki's in the back. I sing the last line, looking only at him,

"_Let's blood flowers of attempted suicide_."

1-This actually happened to me.

**A/N:** I've obviously fallen off the humor plane and hit every branch of the angst tree on the way down. Interestingly enough, as I wrote the last line Kyo sang it. That was pretty awesome. Well, uh, review!


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